Choosing the right independent school for your child.

Autumn, the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness… but also the season of Open Days, extreme marketing and competitive social media posts amongst schools looking to reel in prospective parents.

Whether you are looking for a nursery school, reception place, senior school or sixth form, the process of finding the right school for your child can be a daunting, overwhelming and panic-inducing process. Without fail, in early September, banners announcing schools to be ‘Excellent!’ or ‘Double Excellent!’ or even ‘Excellent in All Areas!’ suddenly appear overnight at every roundabout, breeding like rabbits around towns and villages, jostling for space on railings by pedestrian crossings; what does ‘Excellent’ even mean? Does it mean my child will be happy there?! As a parent myself, I lost sleep worrying about school leagues tables and university destinations when my children were still in nappies and I knew at that point, I had to get a grip. I dragged my youngest son around open days, put him through ‘friendly assessments’ at top-performing independent schools and tried desperately to push him into a mould that he clearly didn’t want to fit into. As a strong-willed yet comparatively young summer-born baby, he was not going to fulfil my dream of getting into the top Prep school in the county – he sat down and cried whilst all the other children dutifully cut card up along wiggly lines and wrote their names in perfect cursive script. We walked out of that particular school assessment shame-faced and demoralised but actually, it was a turning point. The realisation that we needed to find a school that was right for him, not us, was the key factor here and looking back, now he is in Year 13, it was absolutely the best thing that could have happened. And this can be the hardest thing to accept – as parents we want the best for our children and if you are fortunate enough to be able to look at independent schools, the choice is huge, bewildering and overwhelming. Every school could potentially be The One for you and your child or children – as you read their marketing material, their results and their extra-curricular offerings, its like they are speaking directly to you about YOUR child. You go through the prospectus and think ‘Yes! This is the one for us!’ as you already picture your child in the uniform, skipping into school on their first day (or sloping in looking slightly embarrassed if its senior school or sixth form).

But fear not, here are some top tips to help you navigate this potentially stressful season and to help you make the right decision for your child.  These are by no means the hard and fast rules, it’s intended as a useful set of pointers, a ‘tool box’ if you will. The most important thing though is not to feel pressured. This is your chance as a family, to take some time to look around. No decision should be rushed or forced because at the end of the day, you are investing in your child’s future and it’s a hefty investment at a time when we are all feeling the pinch. So, grab a cup of tea (or something stronger if the sun is over the yardarm) and read on.

choosing a school

1.       Make a list and check it twice

As you start the process, do a little postcode searching. See what the options around you are – but the chances are you have moved to an area because of the schools (which is certainly what my family and I had done) and so you might already know what the options are. There are various guides such as the School Guide, the Good School Guide to name a few that you can look at online but try not to feel you should only be looking at the Tatler Top Ten Independent Schools. Your child’s education setting is not going to go on your CV but theirs and this is important to remember. If you are looking for boarding schools then distance might not be a factor but if you are looking at day schools, think about where the school is located and what bus routes they offer. The majority of independent schools offer comprehensive bus options which are usually an additional cost but it really does make your life a lot easier. Both of my boys went to school on buses from Reception and they absolutely loved it, it was the highlight of their day! Bus Buddies and drivers who look after their charges as if they were their own are the main-stay of most schools these days. There is an acceptance that parents/families appreciate help getting their children to and from school and schools work hard to provide this. The option of Flexi-boarding is also becoming more popular and putting your child in to board for 2-3 days a week as they get older can actually help with the transition to university, when the time comes, so don’t discount boarding schools entirely if you budget can stretch that far.

Get organised and set yourself up a spreadsheet with the following headings for starters:

·         School name

·         Location

·         Basic fee information

·         Date of Open Days (if applicable)

·         Extra-curricular offerings

·         Wrap-around-care options

·         SEN support options

·         Available/suitable bus routes

·         Additional costs (many schools remove the cost of lunch from their advertised fees so always check the small print!)

·         Other comments

Then start working your way through the websites of the schools you’ve identified. You can always add more columns if you’re looking at boarding schools or single-sex/co-ed schools or keen to know what A-level options they offer. It’s a spreadsheet you can keep adding to and editing as you go through the process. You could also have a ‘RAG’ rating and identify schools as red (not suitable), amber (a possibility) or green (definitely go and visit) to help narrow it down.

2.       Ignore what your friends and influencers are doing

It goes without saying that this is a decision for YOU and your child(ren). You might well have close friends and families around you who have very strong opinions but only you can ultimately decide, and this is your child or children’s future and only you know them best. Your long-time NCT friends might well eulogise about the local state school primary (which people move to the area for because its outstanding – in fact I knew of a friend whose husband ‘religiously’ mowed the lawn of the local church graveyard twice a week just to ensure their child got into the local Church of England infant school) but if that’s not what you want, then just gently tell them that this is a decision you are making as a family and to respect that. If you are looking for Sixth Forms, there is more at stake, and you want your teenager to be happy but also to have the right subject options. A-levels suit some students, but BTechs or apprenticeships suit others and there is plenty of choice now. Universities and employers have thankfully moved on from the pure A-level sixth-form entry requirements so have the discussion with your teenager about what they might want to go on to do beyond secondary education – they might not have any idea at this stage but just reassure them that its perfectly ok as it can be unsettling to be rapidly approaching the end of your educational journey, especially if you child has been at the same school from the age of two.  Change is unnerving but it doesn’t have to be a bad experience if you talk it through calmly as a family. Make sure you are giving them the opportunity to have a say and to visit a range of different education settings along with speaking to their tutors and careers advisors in their current school who have observed their learning style and have a good handle on what’s available around you. Having just navigated the A-level minefield with my eldest and allowed him to remain in the small, nurturing sixth form of his current independent school, I already know that my younger son would be far better suited to a larger sixth form college and is desperate to spread his wings.  One size really does not fit all if you have more than one child.

3.       Visit the school with your child or children

Open Days are a very good way of seeing a school in action but, as often is the case, Open Days tend to come along like buses – all at the same time or not at all. Make a note of when the schools on your list have their Open Days – and these will typically be one a term in the Autumn, Spring and Summer, and book yourselves in. This might sound obvious but please take your child or children with you if you can. They are the ones who will be spending the majority of their childhood there, so you want them to see the setting, meet the other children and get a feel for where they could be going. I’ve seen many parents marching round open days on their own, clipboard in hand, taking notes on how PHSE is taught and what lunch choices there are which is all very well and good, but they are not the ones who will be sat in those classrooms or eating that lunch.  Most schools make use of their current pupils to run tours and to be engaged in ‘typical’ activities during an Open Day and they really are the best ambassadors and marketing tools for a school and you want your child(ren) to chat to pupils if possible. If you can’t get to an open day, most schools will have the option to book a personal tour with the Head or someone senior at a time that works for you. The prospectus and website will give you the key facts and figures but until you drive up to the front gates and walk into the buildings, its hard to know if this really is the right place for your child.

4.       Let your child have a taster at the school

Once you have a short-list of schools, the next step is to hand over to your child(ren). Book them in for a taster and let them get a feel for it themselves. Most independent schools offer this and I would urge you to take it. Even at Nursery level, a Stay and Play session is important to see if your child is happy to play in the environment and you can watch the key workers and staff in action. Tasters aren’t an option at Sixth Form but by this point, you will have a (relatively!) conversant teenager who you can talk pragmatically with and you should make the time to talk to them about what they want to do. Warning- they might well be influenced by their friends, and I refer you back to point 2 above to try to deal with this….! As I learnt, having a happy child, thriving in a nurturing education setting is far more important than being able to say he’s at the top performing grammar school in the country (but desperately unhappy and not able to keep up with the academic demands). Happy children = good educational outcomes. Since COVID, we are now very mindful of mental health and wellbeing so take note of what pastoral care the school has and how they approach mental wellbeing. Having in-house or regularly visiting counsellors is a good indicator of a switched-on school and its encouraging to see these roles being brought into more and more schools nationally.

5.       The final decision

By now you should have a whole spreadsheet of school options, perhaps RAG rated to rule out the ones that really won’t work or are out-of-reach and you will have visited the top few with your child or children. If taster days have happened then seek feedback from the school as to how your child settled and also talk to your child about how they found it. Depending on the age of your child, you could ask the following questions:

1.       What did you do when you first got into the classroom?

2.       Who was your buddy for the day?

3.       What was the lunch like?

4.       Do you think you might like to go to this school?

Ditcham Park SchoolOf course, if the answers are predominantly negative then you have the chance to think again. If the taster really didn’t go well it might be worth talking to the Head of Year/Juniors/Seniors (as appropriate for the year group you are thinking of entering) to try to find out why – sometimes it just doesn’t work and that’s ok, that’s why taster days and visits are important. But don’t lose heart though, you should have some other school options to explore and if you don’t and that school really has to be the one, again, talk to the school and your child and perhaps try another Taster slightly later in the term. If your child did not enjoy it, its worth considering why though and asking yourself if its worth trying to put them into a school they are not happy in. My own experience of this was a stark reminder that the school I had initially in mind for my son turned out to be the wrong place for him. We walked away and found a much better setting that has now seen him through the entire of his primary and secondary education. And he’s still talking to us. Result!

If your child enjoyed their experience, you got good feedback from the school and you are happy with the factors such as transport, extra-curricular, after-school-care and so on, then you are ready! The Head of Admissions will step in and lead you through the registration process and you can start talking about your child’s new school and adventure so that when the time comes, you are ALL good to go.

Choosing the right independent school for your child can be a really bewildering experience but it doesn’t have to be and I hope that this short guide has helped you take those first steps. Its also a very exciting time and I would encourage you to embrace it as a family and enjoy the ride!